Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!