Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Mmmm canned fish.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening