We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
me 2 months after i graduated
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.