Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.