We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[loses house key, starts a new life]
estão todos miauvindo?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
No chill.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue