The USS B port
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.