We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
You Might Also Like
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room