“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
pelicons
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
i will not be silenced
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.