@SamDeLanche: We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
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@iamspacegirl: "And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."
@claudiaa_haleyy: I hate that "You know what to do" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.
@Parker_Simpson: Why do people say,"You can't make this stuff up." Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.
@Reverend_Scott: [wedding reception] DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions? IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING