@SamDeLanche: We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
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@dreamthievin: One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
@Brianhopecomedy: I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden.
@JMFnSparks: Dear men, I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her! Love, Spiders