Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
The dark side of Canada
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks