[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
happy valentine’s day to me
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I hope this email finds you in a well
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.