not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes