@Aspersioncast: We should call them Whether Men, because they don't know whether or not it's going to rain, get it? That's a good one.
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@jimmytorosian: Slave: I know a way to escape Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven't heard of it. It's really underground.
@armyVet1972: Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm…you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now
@AGStr8upNinja: Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that's not your Ferrari?
@themacmind: Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret. Pat: Thank you. Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.