We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO