FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I have two kinds of followers
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.