We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I love wikipedia
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh