We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me