We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
You Might Also Like
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.