We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”