We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
no
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.