@jordanrubin: "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
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@BambamVictoria: My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.
@philgibson01: "This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash" What do you mean? "It's all denty"
@girlontapas: My boss is marrying a Chinese woman. Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
@bad_as_you_want: My boss said , "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume