I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?