@jordanrubin: "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
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@TheThomason: Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.
@JaySuch: When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
@FlashyPenguin: [on death row] "what would you like for your last meal?" "A McRib" "McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont...oooh well played!"
@LindseyEllison2: I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.