@jordanrubin: "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
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@bridger_w: When someone has a baby, I'm just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
@HomeProbably: People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences. It's like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
@egg_dog: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
@Jake_Vig: My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.