Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.