Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
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The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]