We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Just a phase…
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I have so many questions.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.