We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas