We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
me and my fake scenarios
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
So glad we cleared that up
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor