We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Muppet Screams
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When you’re here for the treats.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?