We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
next level snooze
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.