We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha