COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
How can I say no to this ?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.