[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.