@dlockw21: I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

@SarahFemme: If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

@AdamBroud: Wife: Whatchya thinking about? Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination

@AtticusFinch79: [blind date] HIM: so Paul says that you're a real charmer *smiles* ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am