“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I hate when that happens.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”