Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
You Might Also Like
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
*skinny dips into black hole
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.