My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.