*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I ate everything, including the H.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry