*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.