[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
🙂🐾