*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
When someone says you are so lazy
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.