*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
🤣✨#caturday
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.