*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.