Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
incredible
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?