WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
i love meeting boys on tinder
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced