me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*puts words between two asterisks*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Admin smashed it 😂
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)