WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Single and childfree like Jesus
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Saturday