WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
You Might Also Like
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m too immature for adultery.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Just say no
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.