pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.