We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My five year plan is a meteorite
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir