[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
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My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
the battle rages on
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.