[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
it must be school picture day
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?