[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy