WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.