(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
mumsnet is amazing
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.